Bullying at school can hamper a child’s social and mental development. Know the bullying signs and indicators to help your child at the time when he needs you the most.

I am a mother of a 6-year-old girl who is chirpy, fun, adventurous and kind-hearted. Sarah never loses an opportunity to hug or kiss me and her friends mean a lot to her. She is loved by her teachers too. She participates in all co-curricular activities and can’t wait to go to school in the morning. In short, I hit the jackpot with this one!

But, things started to change a month and a half back. My little girl is not the same anymore. She doesn’t want to go to school or talk about her friends. First, she stopped hanging out with her friends. When I asked, she told me she didn’t like them anyways. I thought it was part of growing up and left it alone.

Then came the excuses. The girl who couldn’t wait to go to the school, now made up a new excuse every day to avoid school; from stomach aches to toothaches. Sarah also stopped hanging out with the family. She would go straight to her room and not talk to anyone. She would emerge out of the room for meals but would avoid making eye contacts with anyone. Anything we asked her was answered in monosyllables.

Last week, she was started getting nightmares and would wake up screaming in the middle of the night. We couldn’t take it anymore! It was time to dig deep and find out what was happening.

After I consulted a counsellor, I was educated about bullying. Bullying and its effects can be devastating. My daughter showed all the signs of being bullied at school. The bullying signs for parents are:

• Has changed his/her group of friends
• Shows no excitement to go to school and comes up with excuses
• Trouble getting sleep or gets frequent nightmares
• Doesn’t want to spend time with family or wants to spend a lot of alone time
• Does not make eye contact and avoid conversations

I knew I had to do something quick. My natural instinct was to confront the bully’s parents and school authority about the ongoing bullying at school. This would have been the worst idea. Reaching out to the parents of the child who bullies would have been exactly opposite of what Sarah wanted me to do. This is one of the major reasons why kids don’t tell their parents about bullying at school.

I asked Sarah about it and she immediately opened up. To give her all the help I would, it was important to understand why Sarah chose to keep bullying at school a secret.

• She knew I would get in touch with her bully’s parents and this would make things worse for her in school.
• She thought that we, her parents, would not understand her plight and support her.

Most of the children who are a victim of bullying at school think they can’t confide in anybody. The try to hide their emotions, but it is easy to see the bullying signs and indicators if you look closely.

I knew I had to provide a safe place for Sarah so that she can trust me and we can tackle bullying at school together. This is what I did:

• I asked her what she wanted me to do. By doing so, I not only included her in decision making but also made her believe that we are in this together.
• I listened to her and didn’t tell her a long story about my experience. Sarah had kept so many emotions bottled up inside that it was important for her to speak. Empathizing with her made a huge difference.
• I acknowledged her feelings. Do not dismiss their feelings. Don’t tell them it is a phase or to toughen up. If they could have, they would have.
• I asked her direct questions and listened to her response. Direct questions like. “Why do you have marks on your body?” or “Are your friends saying mean things to you?”.
• I showed her how to show that you are confident even if you are not. We also discussed how to keep Sarah’s reaction under control. Bullies thrive on reactions they get. If Sarah doesn’t give the desired reaction, the bully will eventually leave her alone.
• I got in touch with the school authorities and student counsellor. The student counsellor provided a safe place for Sarah to go to, thus showing her that she has the power to control the situation.

Over a period of time, Sarah knew she could trust her parents and started handling the situation better at school. Bullying at school went on for a while more, but with the help of the school counsellor and Sarah’s efforts, we were able to deal with bullying and its effects.

If you think your child is being bullied at school, look closely for the bullying signs and indicators. Do not dismiss a change in your child’s behaviour as part of growing up. Be there for your child in their difficult time.

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